You know what derbies are like for us fans, but imagine what they’re like for the players. Their own worst enemy, on reflection, is their nervous systems. At any moment the tension inside them is liable to translate itself into some visible symptom. Me – despite being almost a grown-up, I’ve spent the week being as twitchy as a hyperactive eight-year-old who’s just injected a gallon of liquid Haribo. These nerves meant that my participation in last night’s leaving do from work was curtailed at nine, as there was a breakfast special bright and early. Joy in abundance at Spoons as we placed our bets and totted up who was getting the beers in on our return to Bish Vegas at tea-time.

We’d spent the week wondering if Brucie would shuffle his pack, given that the Lads on show last week had got a good result against a better team than today’s visitors. Maybe we’re being too cautious, but then again maybe the Gaffer was simply considering the options that today’s game brings in terms of a big, flexible squad.

And there we left it. I had a veritable thesaurus of Joey Barton quotes to entertain and titillate you, but it would be churlish to print them now, as he very much had the last laugh. What a waste of a Saturday afternoon against what even the most ardent mag would admit to being their weakest side in donkey's years. So what did we do? We allowed them to look like a football team, albeit a very moderate one. There might be criticism of the wide men, Elmo in particular, but they're only as good as the service they get. And that service was rubbish. Colback spent 90 minutes chasing what Cattermole missed. Speaking of our captain, can I be about the four thousandth to suggest that the man never kicks a ball for us again? The epitome of the brainless, overpaid footballer who thinks he knows what he is doing, I could pick a dozen lads from the obscurity of Sunday morning football to do a better job than he does. Pillock. I won't even discuss Bardsley's red card, as we were dead and buried by then, but Collocini should take a long hard look at match of the day and be very embarrassed at his own roll around antics after a nothing challenge. Putting it quite simply, we weren't up to the job, and the responsibility for that lies with the so-called captain and the manager for picking him. see the notes at the top of the page for details of why we should have tonked the smellies out of town. Brainless challenge after brainless challenge, Catts showed that he just hasn't got the mentality to play in any game that means anything. I wouldn't have him in my Sunday morning team if we were two men short.

The fact that they scored with their only effort on target that troubled Ming speaks volumes. We had chances to build, but when Gyan did get the ball he either held on too long or made a duff pass. Colback was tidy when he got the ball, but too often it was after a Cattermole wallop. Larson did well when he got the ball, and it was a bit of a surprise when he was replaced. Of the subs, Ji and Wickham did exactly what we expected them to do, getting their heads down and running at people, but that was shamefully way short of what we needed.

Man of the Match? Sess, I think, as he at least tried to keep going.

Oh, and did I mention that I don't rate Cattermole?

Shearer take a bow

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Keep the Faith

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