Did I mention that I hate penalty shoot-outs? Thirty years ago we did the business up the road on my birthday in the League Cup, but this year we didn’t do the business on our Ian’s birthday at our place. Against Villa, who are the side that sixteen years ago we pezzled to such an extent that their manager of the day famously said “there was only one team in it, and they lost.”

Just needed to get that out of my system, but you can always rely on our silly cousins on Tyneside to help put a smile back on your face. Rename the stadium, presumably because they’ve never been able to work out where they’re supposed to put the apostrophe in St James’s’s. Sorry, but they make it so easy for the world to laugh at them. I went to see Jimmy Carr at the City Hall last night, and there was a question and answer session at the end. After the usual stuff, there was a cry from the back of the auditorium. “Why is Mike Ashley such a c***?”

Even Jimmy Carr couldn’t answer that one.

So to West Ham, the club that makes the economy of Iceland look stable. They play pretty football, they dragged a point out of Arsenal from a two-goal deficit last Sunday, and they’re bristling with home-grown talent answering to Tompkins, Atkins, and the like. And of course a fair smattering of useless foreign conmen. I tried to get Pop, the only living Hammer in Bishop, along to this one, but he’s been so disillusioned wither his team’s start to the season that he’s buggered off to Ambleside’s football-free zone for the weekend.

So after a quick tour of Deptford, we saw the Lads line up....
Gordon
Da Silva Noz Turner Richo
Steed Cana Hendo Reid
Bent Jones

Reid quickly got into the game and put in a cross that was just ahead of Jones, and the tempo from the off was high. Jones nearly got Bent in, but it was half-cleared only for the follow-up shot to go wide. When West Ham did manage a break, it was comfortable for Gordon who was well-positioned, and even Da Silva got in a shot which curled away from goal. Gordon was there again with a great save, then Bent saw a header flash past the post. This seemed to be the cue for West Ham to start the nonsense for which they’re not supposed to be known. I broke wind, two of them fell down. Bent challenged, Bent got booked. Rubbish, and a game that could have been put forward as a great advert for the English game was buggered up by the man in yellow. On the half hour, they looked well offside (I’ll have to wait on the telly to be sure) as they broke upfield to score, but we still kept trying to play football as the Hammers kept falling over. We produced a spell of absolute shite (there’s no other word for it) defending as we missed at least two chances to clear the ball, and they knocked in the second, and it was looking bleak until we remembered that we were still playing the better football.

Was Carlton Cole the difference? To me he’s just Emile Heskey pointing towards the goal, but we let him (and the ref let him) get away with far too much time and space. In the dying seconds of the half, we won another free-kick, and Reid curled in a beaut, which was a cue for the Old Cockney in the box behind us to wave a wad of notes at us in an attempt to take the piss. Mistake. Chants of “there’s only one Peggy Mitchell” accompanied his horror as folks reminded him of his place in the stadium. There’s a time and a place to goad, and that wasn’t it. We forced a couple more attempts, then Jones was walloped on the halfway line and he gave their lad the lightest of shoves. Fair enough, you raise your hands, you go off, the ref has no choice, but their lad behaved as if he’d been hit by Tony Jeffries.

So 1-2 at the break, and we restarted with three at the back and Richo pushed forward. Bent shot but saw it saved, and then a corner brought another save from Green, this time from a header. We hit the bar twice from one corner as we made a nonsense of their numerical advantage, but couldn’t quite get the killer touch. Steed volleyed wide when a header might have been a better option, but we kept piling into them. There was some great interplay down the left, but when Richo fired in the cut-back, we were a man light. Hard work in midfield won the ball and set Bent away down the right, and his cross took a deflection only for Rich to arrive at the back post and do the business from a yard or so. Get In. Steed made way for McCartney as Brucie opted to keep the point we’d just salvaged with ten to go, but we weren’t finished. Despite the Hammers shooting just wide, Bent headed another Reid free-kick just wide as we were out of our seats celebrating a goal, then the Alan Smith lookalike got his second yellow and it was ten apiece. We piled forward but couldn’t get the goal we probably deserved, and the four added minutes brought no reward.

2-2, and a moral victory in a game where the most influential person on the field was the ref, which is wrong. He stunk. And West Ham? I used to have a soft spot for them, as the London team I sort of liked to watch (apart from Arsenal in their pomp) with Pop the Bishop Hammer. No more. What a bunch of diving, fally-over soft shites they are.

Man of the Match? Darren Bent. Played like two man in the second half, and never gave up. Wil he get ahead of Carlton Cole in the England thinking? I think Henderson probably has more chance of getting a game, but then Capello could change his mind.

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