Steve Agnew’s Head
With his aerodynamic barnet, our man can shave vital milliseconds off those 70-yard upfield dashes. Handy for the bar at half time, though claims that ‘lasses love a bit of it” remain unconfirmed.
SuperKev’s Eye For Goal
Apparently, he scores lots of goals, not that the ignorant tossers at Diadora would know. The Sultan of Sunderland, and Mag Destroyer has his eyes.
When Peter Reid shouts jump, people ask how high. When Bally whispers it, crack ninja samurai fellas shit their pants – the best motivator in SAFC’s history.
Niall Quinn’s Chest
Attracts the ball like a magnet, puts it on a team-mate’s toe with digital accuracy.
Alex Rae’s Elbows
Clinically tested on Daryll Powell, David Ginola and Trevor Sinclair, these awesome weapons are more than a match for any stinking, henking Newcastle scum.
Darren Williams’ Hands
After six seasons of frantic post-match clapping, these teflon instruments are unbelievably showing no signs of wear. It may be over the top, but at least he makes you feel appreciated.
Paul Butler's Thighs
Years of dedicated pie-munching has spawned legs like tree-trunks, as thick as an elephants turd and twice as horrible. Perfect for sitting on that twat Shearer.
Nicky Summerbee's Right Foot
Could open a bra-strap with a football from fifty yards could Nicky. Actually, that's rubbish, but we're yet to see a decent cross since he left, and his right peg is ours.
Martin Smith's Left foot
Son of Pele, Cousin of Cruyff, Sunderland enigma. Believe the hype.