For our second pre-season warm-up, we did the opposite of Tuesday night, when we played on a tatie field in deepest Ireland, attempting in the process to beat the record for number of players used in a game of football – set by ourselves in Athlone a couple of years back. After the awkward journey to Limerick, it could hardly have been easier to get to Darlington for what has become a regular summer fixture. A couple of comfortable wins in the last two years meant that the recent resignation, by text or email allegedly, of previous manager Simon Davy was probably the biggest talking point amongst the home fans. Ours was probably the lack of calcium in the diet of those born in Edinburgh in the mid eighties, which has lead to an outbreak of brittle bone disease, particularly in sportsmen. Another one to blame on Thatcher Thatcher the milk snatcher.

So we gathered in the Quaker House and Number Twenty 2 (that’s the way they write it) and Don eventually arrived, having survived the number 5 from Bishop which did every street and speed bump in South West Durham on its way. A taxi ride for a couple of quid apiece and we were at the George Reynolds White Elephant Stadium, and I realised that I’d left my ticket at home. So much for paying on the gate, there was a longish queue to buy them (for the North stand, which was closed) and we outnumbered the home fans by about four to one.

Carson
Bardsley Turner Killgallon McCartney
Henderson Cattermole Richardson Steeeeeeed
Bent Campbell

As is to be expected at these pre-season games, there wasn’t a lot of clattering in to challenges apart from by the Darlo centre half. Catts played a nice ball to Steed, and his cross was knocked over the top by Bent as we gave the impression that, had there been money at stake, we’d have upped the pace and scored a hatful. As it was, we looked to be firmly stuck in third gear most of the time. We kept it fairly neat and precise without really creating a goal scoring chance for the first half hour, during which Cattermole must have got a bit tired of the whole thing, as he wandered off to be replaced by the Egyptian Beckham. Ahmed al Muhammadi, if my spelling serves me correctly, who went wide right with Henderson moving to the middle. Our new lad looked sharp, beat his man for speed and skill on several occasions, and got in some very good crosses – a promising debut. Bent turned cleverly to work the space to whack one off the bar towards the end of the half, and we went in to the break on the ascendency, although you’d hope to be at least a goal ahead against Darlo, even if they were a much better organised side than they had been on our last two summer visits. There was the obligatory beach ball which bobbled onto the pitch and was deflated by the ref to jeers from the crowd, and a fair bit of the usual pre-season warming up of a few new songs.

Half time entertainment included some extremely hairy blokes with no shirts running around the (thousands of) empty seats doing a topless conga that was repeated several times in the second half, and a very short attempt to queue for pies. Very short because we saw Snoopy’s pie, which must have been in the oven since the end of last season, and even survived being stotted off the wall. For a new stadium, the depth of the liquid on the lavvy floor was a bit disappointing (he said, diplomatically), so we headed back to our seats in plenty of time for the restart.

Off went McCartney, Carson, and Richardson (who looked to have put on a bit of beef over the summer), and on came Mignolet, Colback, and Liddle. The game sort of carried on where it had left off in being a sort of half-hearted affair, with neither side causing the opposition’s keeper a great deal of trouble. My biggest disappointment was having the lad in front of me doing a “Boris Johnson builder’s arse” impersonation, which was quite unpleasant. Campbell pulled ball back for Muhammadi to have a shot charged down, then Zenden was on, Jones was on, Ferdinand was on, and Oumare Tounkare was on as Bent, Kilgallon, Campbell, and Steed left the field. I’ll forgive you if you’ve never seen Oumare play, as he’s been strictly a reserve learner for the last year, but he and Jones put themselves about well, while Zenden bossed the left-hand side. Bolo made some space to cross from the left and find Colback, but yet another shot was blocked and it looked as if there’d be no score. With seven minutes to go, however, another attack floundered and the ball broke to Zenden on the edge of the box, and the shot was crisp, classy, and accurate, just beating the linesman’s comedy tumble to highlight of the half.

So we won, as you’d expect, and there were decent enough performances from players on the outgoing conveyor of the rumour mil – Bardsely, McCartney, Ferdinand (who did a great PR job with his autograph signing after the whistle) and young Liddle. Tounkare put himself about, and Muhammadi looked a decent prospect. Colback looked a bit restrained fro some reason, but still managed to find some decent passes and some good positions. You can’t judge anything about our new keeper, as he had nowt to do, but he kept a clean sheet and you can’t ask for more than that. Henderson and Steed did well down the flanks early on, and Bent moved well – probably still laughing about the fact that he was thankfully several thousands of miles away from the rubbish in South Africa and therefore absolved of any blame for England’s capitulation. Zenden, though, showed that he’s lost none of his pace, touch, or appetite for the game despite his advancing years. He could prove to be a valuable asset in the coming season – even more that in the last campaign – so he’s my man of the match.

Final Score: 1-0

ALS Man of the Match: Bolo Zenden

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