Question: What’s up an elephant’s trunk? Answer: Six foot of snot. That’s what my head feels like at the moment but of course I’ll be heading down to Craven Cottage in fifteen minutes. I think it’s the closest Premier ground to my home and I would’ve been sick if I’d missed this game so thanks to Martyn, Steve and others for their help and advice in getting me a ticket.

Tickets are actually on sale this afternoon and I see you can still buy one at 3.45. It’s been a cloudy week for the team what with the shithouse display at Wigan and the Mrs Bent incident so we all need some joy. My better half isn’t interested in football and had never heard of Darren Bent till the other day but she is black so given the shades of opinion expressed about last Saturday’s events involving Mrs Bent I thought I’d ask her how she’d have felt in Mrs B’s position. She said that she’d have been offended too. The weather’s beautiful down here and I’m feeling pretty positive at the moment. I’m hoping Fulham’s Europa match on Thursday will have taken something out of them and also that Kenwyne will return. Match prediction 1-1 and I’d be happy enough with that.

It still took me over an hour to get there and into my seat, which was in the Riverside Stand, a Fulham fans area but very close to our end. Iggy’s ‘Lust for Life’ was blasting from the p.a. and that suited me. Fulham’s mascot Billy the Badger certainly fancied himself a bit and he’s the first mascot I’ve seen signing autographs. I didn’t think he’d be able to do it with those big furry hands but he managed to write something. Two other Sunderland fans soon appeared on my right though Fulham isn’t a remotely heavy ground and it has probably the friendliest crowd in the league. A lot of them looked very well-heeled too. When the teams were announced, Richardson was in for McCartney and Ferdinand was in the back four with Da Silva on the bench. I wasn’t too happy about the latter but maybe it was a punishment for his crucial slip at Wigan right before they scored. Damien Duff was on for Fulham and I hadn’t realized that Greening was playing for them now, which wasn’t pleasing as he’s a handy player. I was looking towards the half-way line as the teams were fanfared onto the pitch only to realize that they were sneaking out of the area beneath the cottage itself. After only six or seven minutes we were one-down when Duff did well to break down our right before crossing for Zamora, who had loads of time and space to head it past Fulop. Ferdinand went off injured as the half-hour approached not long after Nevland had booted him. I was surprised to see Nos coming on to replace him and not Da Silva. We weren’t playing well at all and were lucky not to be two-down at the break after Turner was outjumped and a header came back off the bar and a minute later Fulop saved very well. In stoppage-time Reid lobbed another of his great free-kicks goalwards but it was saved and I think that was our only shot on target worthy of the name.

A pantomime dame who’s appearing in Jack and the Beanstalk in nearby Hammersmith came on to do the half-time draws and a couple of teams of little lads had a one-on-one with the goalie competition that I quite enjoyed. There were no changes as we kicked off again but it was raining steadily and I thought that could be an issue. We were much better in the second-half with everyone fighting for the ball and moving up a gear. Our large contingent was in very good voice but I could still see plenty of empty seats so why didn’t we receive more for our fans? The momentum was with us until round the hour-mark but after that it was more of an equal contest. We had plenty of attacks and corners but our finishing was pretty bad and God knows why we kept making high crosses as the giant Hangeland and Schwarzer in goal dealt effortlessly with nearly everything. Kenwyne was replaced by Zenden and the latter had one of our best efforts; he looks promising. Nos, who was getting alarmingly into booting it high from defence and hoping for the best, went off after a clash of heads but then returned all bandaged up and battled on well. You could see that we weren’t going to get anything out of the game and Fulham wisely kept it near our corner flag as the dying seconds ticked away. It was a miserable walk back up to Hammersmith Broadway especially as I was surrounded by happy Fulham fans who knew that they’d jumped above us in the table. In the last two seasons I’ve lost £100 in bets with a mate who was confident that Fulham would finish above us and it’s looking seriously like he’s going to win again. Oh, no! Fulham fan and announcer Diddy David Hamilton has just come on Five Live to say how pleased he’s feeling so I’m off.

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